VERSION NOTES AND CREDITS:

This is version 3.6x of the Frequently Asked Question file for the Jihad to Destroy Barney the Purple Dinosaur[tm]. Version 1.x of this file was maintained by NetDoc, version 2.0 by Arsenal the Lone Warrior. When compared to version 2.0 or older, the reader will find that the FAQ occupied significantly more volume. Version 3.xx reduced the size of the FAQ by 75% - 80%. This version, 3.61, was updated to reflect changes in the Jihad.

CyberPyro

 

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

Part 1: Philosophy and Reason

- What is the Jihad?
- What is the Philosophy portion?
- What is the Military portion?
- What composes the Jihad?
- Triumvirate
- JAOs
- Random pplz
- How do I go about joining one of these JAOs?
- What do Jihaddi believe?
- What are some conventions of Jihadiquette?
- What is barney?
- Why does the Jihad hate him?
- What about the Power Rangers?

 


?What is the Jihad?

The Jihad is a heterogeneous organization of people on the Internet dedicated to defamation, humiliation, eradication, killing, and removal of Barney the Purple Dinosaur of the television show "Barney & Friends" from the airwaves and from every human's life. When The Jihad speaks of killing Barney, we refer to the idea of Barney the Purple Dinosaur, not the person(s) in that bloated, disgusting purple suit. The Jihad categorically does *not* support real life violence against people wearing suits of Barney, nor those helping to propagate the Purple MindSucker's 'show.'
The Jihad primarily inhabits the newsgroup alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die (ab4d), but also resides in the newsgroups alt.tv.barney and alt.tv.the-jihad.


?What is the Philosophy portion of the Jihad?

The Philosophical element of the Jihad is best described as those individuals concerned with real life issues of, and activism against, the TV show "Barney & Friends." Typically composed of intellectuals, Jihaddi Philosophers ponder ideologies presented in this show as well as the real effects on children.


?What is the Military portion of the Jihad?

The Military of the Jihad is, in essence, a very large and complex role playing game with b'harnii the purple dinosaur (more on this later) as the central antagonist. This fantasy world is rich in detail, stories, terminology, conventions, villains, unsuspecting targets, and other things that make it a unique shared-reality universe on UseNet.


?What composes the Jihad?

- The Triumvirate: is composed of three Triumvir Praetors. Each Triumvir has a personal assistant known as a Triumvir Adjunct who, among other things, provides counsel and fills in for the Triumvir Praetor in absence or assumes office when the are unfit for duty.

The Triumvirate functions similar to the Federal level of the United States government: it oversees the FAQ of the Jihad, authorizes new JAOs, disbands defunct ones, handles new Corollaries, and other matters outside of the jurisdiction of a JAO head.

- Jihad Autonomous Organizations (JAOs): are individual groups of people who specialize in one methodology of philosophical or militaristic action against b'harnii (Barney). Each group is independent of the other, and final authority rests with each JAO head over their members, and their members alone, concerning discipline, membership, etc.

In other words, the leader of JAO X cannot give orders to a recruit of JAO Y because the recruit is not under their command.

- Random Others: There are a few individuals who are not members of any JAO, and thus not members of the Jihad, who post regularly to alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die. Jihaddi have respected their desires not to join any JAO and welcome them in the conversation.


?How do I go about joining one of these JAOs?

As a first step, read this FAQ for the Jihad. All members of any JAO are expected to have at least a working knowledge of what's in this file. If you skip this FAQ and just start posting you run the risk of breaking Jihadiquette (Jihad etiquette) and getting bounced out of ab4d on your ear or, worse, Indexed[tm] as a sponge minion by mistake.

The best way to join a JAO is to start posting intelligent, well thought out commentary to alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die where all of the Jihaddi read NetNews after lurking for awhile and getting a feel for things. Once you've demonstrated that you have a Functioning Cerebrum[tm] and a hatred of the Hell Wyrm, you'll likely be approached by a member of a JAO and asked if you would like to help serve The Cause[tm].

Assuming that no one approaches you, read the JAO FAQs posted to alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die and petition for membership.


?What do Jihaddi believe?

Currently, there are over 150 people from five continents who hold membership in various JAOs. All of these Jihaddi are different in life experiences, age, race, gender, social standing, sexual orientation, religion, political opinions, et. al. However, we are ALL united by a common thread: undying hatred of the Hell Wyrm.

Below is The ThreeFold Truth and its Corollaries which compose the core of Jihaddi thought and philosophy as it has been established and refined over the years of the Jihad's existence.

The following items lead the Jihad in decision making, serve as our guiding force, and are the final standard by which all actions are measured.

 

ThreeFold Truth (1)
Author: The High Prophet, retired Jihaddi

1) Barney is the demonic incarnation of all hell on earth.

2) Barney seeks to make the world his Purple Kingdom, and does so by corrupting the innocent and weak into Sponge Minions.

3) Barney must be destroyed. All else is irrelevant.

 

Three Fold Corollary (2)
Author: Wayne M. Syvinski, retired Jihaddi

1. B'harni cannot survive without sponge-minions.

2. Sponge-minions cannot survive without B'harni.

3. The aforementioned two statements implies a feedback relationship between B'harni and its sponge-minions. Therefore, attacks against sponge-minions will weaken B'harni, and attacks against B'harni will weaken sponge-minions. Therefore, attacks against either are effective.

 

Corollary of Thought and Action (3)
Author: Fleet Commander Aurelius Invid Manticore Samhain, DE

1) Free thought and philosophical backing is required if the Jihad is to triumph.

2) Action, Strength, and Military Might are often required to defend the freedom to think as an individual.

3) Without Philosophy, the ability to act is impaired.

4) Without Action, the freedom of Philosophy is Jeopardized.

 

Corollary Politic(4)
Author: The Mystic Mongoose, Jihad Founder

1.Barney is not political. Barney is neither liberal nor conservative,
Republican nor Democratic nor Libertarian. Barney is hell-spawned evil.(A)

2. Since there is dissension [on extrinsic politics] even among Jihaddi, who have Functioning Cerebrums(tm), political opinion cannot be used to decide Jihad matters.

3. Therefore, we of the Jihad should avoid matters of extrinsic politics. Such extrinsic politics are trivial and ephemeral when compared with the potentially eternal evil of Barney. The Cause of the Jihad is apolitical: we seek to destroy Barney.

4. This especially means that no topics of political significance or import are to be discussed on ab4d, except in rare circumstances, and even then, only in obvious jest. ab4d is *not* a political newsgroup. We focus on the Cause.

5. This especially applies to Rush Limbaugh(C) who is indubitably political.

6. Moreover, since Rush Limbaugh is political and Barney is not, Rush cannot be Barney.

7. However: when politicians actually discuss Barney, it is appropriate to comment on their statements, in order to determine if those individuals are Sponge-Minions or Jihaddi.

8. When in doubt, refer to the Threefold Truth, especially part Three.

{Footnote A: "...Barney doesn't believe in politics" -Beth Ryan of Lyons Group, the company that produces Barney, quoted by Scott Shephard of Cox news service.}

{Footnote B: Rush Limbaugh is cited here mostly for two reasons. Firstly, 'Barney is Rush' flamewar was the principal reason the CP was written; Secondly, Rush remains one of the more vocal and debated-about political figures in U.S.A. politics. One could substitute 'Clinton' or 'Gingrich' or 'Boutros-Boutros Ghali' for Rush, the Corollary losing none of its true meaning.}

 

The Corollary Ethos (5)
Author: Admiral J. FoxGlov, TRES Corps
aka Hanover the Feral (NYAR!)

1. The Spirit of the Cause [tm], which cannot be expressed in mere words, is action as well as a state of mind and being, and guides those who become attuned to it to act as one, is fundamental to the success of the Jihad and its Members.

1a. New Members should seek out wiser members than they, and for the same reason, established members are to share their knowledge about what it means to be a Member of the Jihad, and why there is a Jihad, and to learn from their apprentices through feedback.

1b. The learning that comes from serving the Cause [tm] is continuous, both parties must be prepared to learn or will become stagnant. There are no masters or pupils, only wisdom that must be shared to be useful, and for those who have it to benefit from it.

2. All Jihad members are endowed with a Functioning Cerebrum[tm]. This Weapon is the most powerful against the forces of B'harnii and his minions.

2a. It is in a Member's best interest to learn how to use it wisely in the war against the Wyrm, for intelligence not governed by wisdom is wasted.

3. Service in the Cause[tm] may be imitated, but never the Spirit. Those who merely imitate service but do not consider the spirit of their actions work against the Cause [tm], their actions analogous to those who intentionally work to destroy it, and are likewise subject to the following:

a. Spongification, or out of sheer boredom and/or rebellion against the Cause[tm], which s/he sees no need for, becomes an agent of the Wyrm.

b. Service to the Jihad becomes subordinate to perceived gains the Jihad can provide; such as virtual power over other Jihaddi lives, an excuse for irresponsible behavior, or fantastic perceptions of the Jihad or its Members that interfere with Real Life when not asked to do so.

c. A very bland and/or lifeless career as a Jihaddi, unmotivated and useless for the Cause [tm].

4. One becomes a Jihad Member to aid the cause by their own free will in a quest to understand and become part of the Spirit of the Jihad. One cannot be forced to become a Jihaddi. Inflicting a sentient being with another's thoughts renders the inflicted worthless to the Cause [tm].

4a: To force our views on others would be analogous to the actions of B'harnii: forcing a virtue or dogma such as love and friendship without explaining the worth of either is useless and destructive.

4b. The ideas of the Jihad should not be forced upon another. Ideas should be presented objectively, directly, and in an open forum. Keep in mind the gravity of our Cause, that it must be heard and defended as such.

5. Every member of the Jihad must seek his/her own personal reason for being a member, using the best expression of the Jihad's purpose, the ThreeFold Truth, especially part Three, as a guide, for the reasons hereby stated in this Corollary.

 

The Corollary de Flambe~ (6)
Author: NetDoc, retired Jihaddi

1) Flaming is fun and has been shown to weaken the resolve of SM's until they renounce ever thinking of the Purple Pedophile.

2) Flaming others on alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die should only be to defend our view of Barney as Hell incarnate and to ward off sponge minionism.

3) Flaming on topics outside this realm are highly discouraged and should be avoided at all cost as they detract from our purpose.

4) All replies should be carefully checked to avoid posting to other groups that don't want anything to do with us and that we don't want anything to do with either.

 

The Ten Commandments (slightly revised for the 90's) (7)
Author: Julie Liles, retired Jihaddi

I. Thou shalt not worship or idolize the Purple Demon known to thee as B'harnee, no matter how heavily he is merchandized, lest thy brain become spongified.

II. Thou mayest use the name of B'harnee in vain, if necessary, but do not repeat the name often, for it gives the beast power and makes intelligent people wish to puke.

III. Thou shalt honor the Jihad and all who support it, for it is through their efforts that the world shall be saved from the Purple Menace.

IV. Thou shalt observe and obey the canon known as the Three-Fold Truth,
and keep it holy.

V. Thou shalt feel free to kill viciously B'harnee in any way thou findest convenient and effective, as well as any unrepentant followers of the Purple Demon.

VI. Thou shalt not engage in any sexual relations with beings who are not human, are brightly colored, and whose minds are as simple and pliable as Silly Putty.

VII. Thou shalt not covet or purchase B'harnee merchandise, no matter how much thy children may whine and scream.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, or allow anyone else to steal or control another's mind using the seductive powers of the Purple Menace.

IX. Thou shalt do everything in thy power to stop the lies spread by Sponge Minions concerning the Evil One. Teach the Three-Fold Truth to everyone thy can, and thou shalt emerge triumphant.

X. Never forget: B'Harnee must be destroyed. All else is immaterial.

 

Historian's Notes:

(1) Circa 1993, The High Prophet went into a trance and coughed up The ThreeFold Truth. His utterance served as a basis from which various b'harnii hating groups coalesced into a larger organization, now know as the Jihad to Destroy Barney the Purple Dinosaur[tm].

(2) The introduction of this Corollary by Syvinski ended a long debate among Jihaddi about the usefulness of attacking sponge minions. It had been argued that the Jihad should concentrate on It of The One Tooth alone and ignore his followers, while others thought his followers should be eliminated first. The Three Fold Corollary united these two factions into action.

(3) The introduction of the Corollary of Thought and Action in 1994, by then Centurion Manticore, put to rest a long flame war/debate among Jihaddi over the merits of military or philosophical action to combat B'harnii. It is to now Fleet Commander Samhain's honor that the Jihad pursues a blend of philosophical and militaristic tactics to eliminate the
Hell Wyrm.

(4) The introduction of the Corollary Politic by The Mystic Mongoose stomped out a two month long debate in a.b.4d about whether Rush Limbaugh had a secret identity as b'harnii or not. Further, in his wisdom, the Mongoose excluded all political discussion from Jihaddi discourse, save when a such a figure comments on the Lavender Lard Lord. Please note, this is not the original version of the CP, but version 3.2 (or something thereabouts) of the document. Mongoose has found sufficient reasons since the CP's first authoring to edit it this many times.

(5) This Corollary was introduced after the disposal (FLUSH!) of Serp the Feral as Praetor of the Jihad, here referred to by his real name for clarity. J. FoxGlov had the insight into The Cause[tm] to realize the Jihad needed a Corollary Ethos to formalize our raison d'etre (French: your reason for being) It is to his credit that the CE is now used as a guiding force in TRES Corps and several other JAOs, as well as a crucial factor in recruitment of new members into the Jihad.

(6) The authorship of this Corollary ended the practice of flaming amongst Jihaddi, and focused flames exclusively on sponge minions and those who would impede The Cause[tm].

(7) The introduction of the Ten Commandments of the Jihad, though not a Corollary, provided clarity on several issues not covered in the ThreeFold Truth nor in its Corollaries. In terms of 'authority,' or importance, the Commandments rank after the ThreeFold Truth and its Corollaries.

 

? What are some conventions of Jihadiquette?

First off, Jihadiquette is short for 'Jihad etiquette,' or the norms and acceptable ranges of commentary and behavior on ab4d. Ignoring one or more of the standards below will likely provoke many Jihaddi and generally make your stay in ab4d much less pleasant.
For a more detailed explanation of Jihadiquette, please refer to The Primer of the Jihad written by Elder Sage HiPaladin that is posted periodically along with this document.
So, here they are:

1) Think before posting, not the other way around.

2) READ THE FAQ BEFORE POSTING!! Don't know how much I can stress this point. This file should answer most questions newbies have (duh - FAQ), and reading it will save us all a lot of time.

For example, the following convo happens far too much around here:

Newbie: Can someone tell me [insert item contained in the FAQ which is posted weekly]?
Jihad: [silence]
Newbie: CAN SOMEONE TELL ME [insert item contained in the FAQ which is posted weekly]?!?! (This is general accompanied by jumping up and down.)
Jihaddi: Read the frackin' FAQ already!
Troll: See! They all parrot the FAQ and have nothing original to
say! The FAQ *IS* their mind!
Me: (set sarcasm = 4.12 x 10^800000) Why, of course! My life is complete now that I've programmed a legion of mindless automatons to do *exactly* what I want at the push of a button in an nntp database entry! Mwah hahahahahahaha!
Those-who-don't-understand-sarcasm: What?
Me: Nevermind... (goes back to other stuff)

 

3) No Spam. This means: no crossposts, off-topic commentary, make money fast scams, advertisements, porno offers, or other things that waste our time and eat news spool. We're here to talk about b'harnii and don't give a rat's ass about off-topic material or cheap stuff we'd never buy anyway.

4) No Trolling. If you're pro-b'harnii and have something to say, do so intelligently and politely. You will be responded to in kind. If you're here to flame, annoy us, or otherwise be a pest: don't bother, you'll be written off and ignored.

5) No relating b'harnii as a cause or motive for real life tragedies. Would like to learn of a loved one dying in a plane crash and then have some idiot wave a plush toy in your face and yell: "b'harnii did it"?

6) No political posts. Is b'harnii Rush Limbaugh? No. Is he a Republican/Democrat/Nazi/Libertarian/Communist/Vegasexual? No. Do we care about your "original" idea of linking b'harnii to [[insert your most hated political thing here]]? No: been there, seen it, done it, and got the T-shirt stored in the attic along with the other 900 trillion variants of it. If you're still confused, see the Corollary Politick above.

7) What about [[insert your most despised social group]]? That's where /another/ 900 trillion T-shirts came from...

8) "No RL Violence, or Advocacy thereof" We're not here to cause violence in real life, make death treats, or advocate other such behavior. Don't post in favor of these things, or you'll get run out of ab4d on a rail. A guy named Henry McDaniel III tried this once and was flamed into oblivion and banished from the Jihad's presence.


?What is barney?

Well, since you asked, b'harnii (barney) is the main character from the television show "Barney & Friends." He's big, fat, magenta colored, foam dinosaur that's unbelievably nauseating to view. The show originated the USA and has spread like a disease to other countries. If you're from an area of the world that doesn't carry the show, don't feel left out. Be thankful.

 

?Why does the Jihad hate b'harnii?

The exact answer to this question cannot truly be provided here because every Jihaddi has a unique Ethos, or reason for hating b'harnii. However, I can provide you, the reader, with a compilation of the reasons Jihaddi have given over the years.

[Note: The reasons below are a mix of either real life, role-play, or a mixture of both.]

 

1) Barney presents a candy-coated, unrealistically nice view of the world.

2) Barney tells kids that if they act like perfect little people everything will be all right even when it isn't.

3) Barney warps the lyrics of traditional children's songs with his own sickeningly sweet (per-)versions.

4) Barney is over-merchandized

5) Barney has promoted cheating and other anti-social acts on his show.

6) Barney replaces the parental figure with himself in the 'I luv you' song.

7) Barney does not promote thinking for yourself, rather you are condemned for going against the wishes of the majority.

8) He is a weak attempt to usurp Sesame Street.

9) His colors are offensive to the eye.

10) Watching his show _will_ spongify your brain. (Barnius encephalitis)

11) Barney emotionally cripples children by forcing them to suppress negative emotions. For someone to be a functional human being, they have to able to express all of their emotions.

12) Research suggests that children who learn social interaction from barney (read a foam suit) have a difficulty recognizing facial cues and other non-verbal gestures in real life people. (what a shock, no?)

13) Barney tells children "A stranger is a friend you've never met" when the rates of kidnapping and child molestation are rising.

14) Barney & Friends claims to be educational for children, but its own producers have admitted "It's basically escapism for children."

15) Barney & Friends is a 27 minute infomercial pretending to be educational for children.

16) Barney and other authority figures over-rule the children's desires and feelings on a consistent basis.

17) B&F recently aired episodes in which b'harnii encouraged children to all of the following:

- place boxes and other things over their heads despite nationally recorded infant mortality rates from exactly these type of thing.

- cook on a stove without adult supervision despite almost daily occurrences of child and adult mortality from home fires and smoke inhalation caused from a child playing with fire.

- capture stinging, poisonous insects such as bees despite annual fatalities from stings. It should be obvious: honey bees are the most mild insect a non-allergic child could be stung with after repeating what had been seen on B&F.

18) There are many, many, many, many more...

 

?What about the Power Rangers?

The P'how'her R'hang'hers, it is safe to say, are fairly well despised throughout the Jihad, and by those who serve The Cause[tm]. Some Jihaddi consider them to be allies of the Lavender Lard Lord, and others think they just plain suck. However, strictly speaking, the P'how'her R'hang'hers are immaterial to The Cause[tm] and the Jihad.